LOSING TO WIN
INTRODUCTION
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How could I, a
minister of the gospel, having enjoyed a front row seat to God saving souls,
healing afflictions, comforting the sorrowful, expanding His kingdom, and
building His church be unable to draw on His power to overcome the effects of
loss in my own heart when I left professional ministry? The God, I had regularly watched do miraculous
things through me, now seemed powerless to relieve my distress. Frustration,
anxiety, anger, and sorrow eventually captured hidden places in my heart. The easy victory I had grown to expect over a
personal sin slowly became more difficult to win.
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To avoid temptation all I had
to do was increase my Christian service.
It had worked well for years.
However all non-ministry activities, interests, pursuits, and
relationships received less and less of my attention. Eating, sleeping, and drinking Christian
service had the benefit of ever increasing ministry successes but required an
ever narrowing focus. It seemed to be
the fulfillment of the scriptural injunction to, “Walk in the Spirit, and ye
will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.” (Gal. 5:16 KJV) However I had gone from walking in the Spirit
to walking in the ministry. Toward the
end, waiting on the Lord was a luxury I could not afford. I was just too busy.
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I had become addicted to
“ministry”. The more I gave it, the more
it demanded. I needed more of it to fight off sin’s promise of momentary
relieve. A relieve I desperately needed with the increasing demands and
frustrations of my over booked schedule.
Losing my “self” in ministry I eventually felt hopelessly separated from
God. It had to stop…so I quit. But now what?
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I, who turned to ministry in
times of temptation, was baffled by my inability to gain either comfort or
victory from God. Not only did I find
myself almost defenseless when in the grip of a reoccurring temptation but my
whole life was being disassembled. Thankfully,
a couple of former parishioners took pity on me. Their loving intervention helped push me along
in the grieving process. Of course the
grieving process does not, as I discovered, end with a healthy reassembled
personality. It simple brings the griever to the starting point of a major
personality overhaul.
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One day, while driving down
the freeway my thoughts replayed the tragic effects of my loss. It was as if I was looking through the lens
of a camera. I saw my grief widen to include
my wife and children. I recognized, perhaps
for the first time, the negative impact my loss was having on them. Unexpectedly the focal point widened to reveal
several other ex-church workers and their loved ones, each broken,
disappointed, alienated, confused, and hurting.
Suddenly the field of vision opened on a vast crowed of displaced
Christian workers and their families all experiencing some degree of a similar
sorrow. Tears veiled the road ahead as I
was confronted with the compounded pain.
For an instant I felt the compassion God must feel for that distressed multitude.
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I was compelled to discover
the dynamics of that kind of sadness. It
crossed my mind that if I could get myself free from the effects of this sorrow
perhaps I could help others reach a similar freedom. And so I began an investigation into the brokenness
of loss hoping to discover a repair. I
concluded the investigation and recorded my findings about ten years ago. I need to share those findings that resulted
in a life joy and peace I could not have imagined before.
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That is why, starting March first, I intend to
boil down those findings and present them as a series on my blog, captjbeppler.blogspot,com
The series is entitled, “LOSING TO WIN.”
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I’m hoping the report will
help abbreviate the effects of loss for someone else. I encourage comments at the end of each post.
Doing so will allow us to deal
personally with any aspects or details that need amplified or clarified. Please join me as I share my experience of
“LOSING TO WIN”.